sampai/hati

sorry if you're going to be reading a lot of post of my rage. this is the only place i can talk to. i have nobody around me right now. Im such a loner. haha.
I just wish i am strong like other people, when i am faced with this type of pain, i cant help myself from being down and just breakdown and cry every night. And thinking how unlucky i am. But Astaghfirullah, i know i cant be this way. Allah wouldn't want me to be this way. But to tell you the truth, i am very lonely. Seriously, my days were filled with smiles and rainbows when i had him (ehem). I was so happy, i never felt that way for a long time, and that was why i didnt take him for granted, i let him in, and it felt good to be comfortable around him and i felt like i could be myself. crazy freak and loving me. I really THOUGHT we were going into something serious, but when i say this, it just hurts me more thinking that it was all just a lie.

Face it, he's just not that into you.
nobody likes you.
haha bodoh, downkan diri sendiri :') lps tu nangis and rasa mcm useless betul. Bodohnya aku -_-

Im glad mak n ayah sent me to that Tahfiz, at least i have something to do. At first i hated that my parents sent me there, but after i went there, i felt so peaceful. Looking at these hafizah, they're all younger than me, and how great they are to hafal quran so easily. when i see their faces, they look like angels, there was something glowing from their faces....but i was just there to improve on my tajwid. But alhamdulillah, thank you Ustazah Izzati for asking me to hafal Yassin. The heart of AlQuran. Cant believe i can hafal Yasin...what an achievement
but then i go home, and become myself again, my introvert-ness. i lock myself up and watch Friends on my laptop, go online, and cry over things i saw on the internet (read:stalking)
thats my daily routine right now, im just praying that i get a job really2 soon, next week is already 2014. And all i do is thinking how broken my heart is.

Havent spent much time with my two best friends. Both have their own life. Sometimes i overthink that our friendship is distancing apart as we get older. One is occupied with taking care of her newborn niece and rarely reply my messages so i dont bother to contact her, and the other one is married and pregnant, so theres really nothing i can do there. We cant really go out like we used to, since theres a husband, so she must follow him. And it will be awkward if he joins us girl talks. I am happy for her, sometimes jealous of her life. How lucky having married early and have someone to share her life with.... But the cons would be when you marry, you'll lose your friends. Thats what i think. But i know my girls, theyll be there when i need them. Except for this situation, i didnt really told them what happened because i dont want to bother them with my problems thats just the same like before.

My other best friends, who i needed more than now. but all of them are far apart, my 1-G-3 girls. especially kakryn and intan, my counsellor..hehe... really need them right now.. i just wish we were still studying together. i really3 need them to be here with me. I just cant handle this myself. Thank you intan for your guidance... and im sorry guys, im such a mess.
i guess its just a small matter, but i havent realised it yet.

Ya Allah i hate this feeling. Take it away from me. I want to run away.
but i want to fall in love. i really do.
Call me desperate or whatever, but i take this so seriously. still havent found yet. I do get jealous when all my friends have boyfriends and they talk about him, ahh, how i wish i could show off about mine. it really hurts seeing happy couples. i want tht too. i want to experience whats it like to have a guy fall in love with you. i really wish