oh no. my depression, introvert-ness and PMS is happening all at the same time. i need help. i think i really do. Someone help me...
#happy
Friday, 3 January 2014
wind of change
I feel so lost. I don’t know, I feel at a dead
road. I don’t know what to do. And now I feel like im in a room with no doors
and no windows. I don’t even have the will to get out. Even in complete space, I
will still have nowhere to go. I sit there, praying to Allah. Crying..and just
begging and begging, to remove this pain in my chest. I even asked with his
Almighty power if I could just go to sleep and wake up and He will take away
some memories of mine, the ones that hurt me the most. The ones that is
bothering me. My day, is like a dark cloud…it feels empty. And I'm standing here
alone. Lonely and scared. I'm just at my weakest at this time. I'm afraid that I will
lose it again. Lose to my own self. Lose with my strength. I hate that part of
me. And that moment and time. It just hurts so much, I feel very weak
physically. And just so scared that I will never make it. Never to stand up
again. Never to see the bright side again.
Thursday, 26 December 2013
sampai/hati
sorry if you're going to be reading a lot of post of my rage. this is the only place i can talk to. i have nobody around me right now. Im such a loner. haha.
I just wish i am strong like other people, when i am faced with this type of pain, i cant help myself from being down and just breakdown and cry every night. And thinking how unlucky i am. But Astaghfirullah, i know i cant be this way. Allah wouldn't want me to be this way. But to tell you the truth, i am very lonely. Seriously, my days were filled with smiles and rainbows when i had him (ehem). I was so happy, i never felt that way for a long time, and that was why i didnt take him for granted, i let him in, and it felt good to be comfortable around him and i felt like i could be myself. crazy freak and loving me. I really THOUGHT we were going into something serious, but when i say this, it just hurts me more thinking that it was all just a lie.
Face it, he's just not that into you.
nobody likes you.
haha bodoh, downkan diri sendiri :') lps tu nangis and rasa mcm useless betul. Bodohnya aku -_-
Im glad mak n ayah sent me to that Tahfiz, at least i have something to do. At first i hated that my parents sent me there, but after i went there, i felt so peaceful. Looking at these hafizah, they're all younger than me, and how great they are to hafal quran so easily. when i see their faces, they look like angels, there was something glowing from their faces....but i was just there to improve on my tajwid. But alhamdulillah, thank you Ustazah Izzati for asking me to hafal Yassin. The heart of AlQuran. Cant believe i can hafal Yasin...what an achievement
but then i go home, and become myself again, my introvert-ness. i lock myself up and watch Friends on my laptop, go online, and cry over things i saw on the internet (read:stalking)
thats my daily routine right now, im just praying that i get a job really2 soon, next week is already 2014. And all i do is thinking how broken my heart is.
Havent spent much time with my two best friends. Both have their own life. Sometimes i overthink that our friendship is distancing apart as we get older. One is occupied with taking care of her newborn niece and rarely reply my messages so i dont bother to contact her, and the other one is married and pregnant, so theres really nothing i can do there. We cant really go out like we used to, since theres a husband, so she must follow him. And it will be awkward if he joins us girl talks. I am happy for her, sometimes jealous of her life. How lucky having married early and have someone to share her life with.... But the cons would be when you marry, you'll lose your friends. Thats what i think. But i know my girls, theyll be there when i need them. Except for this situation, i didnt really told them what happened because i dont want to bother them with my problems thats just the same like before.
My other best friends, who i needed more than now. but all of them are far apart, my 1-G-3 girls. especially kakryn and intan, my counsellor..hehe... really need them right now.. i just wish we were still studying together. i really3 need them to be here with me. I just cant handle this myself. Thank you intan for your guidance... and im sorry guys, im such a mess.
i guess its just a small matter, but i havent realised it yet.
Ya Allah i hate this feeling. Take it away from me. I want to run away.
but i want to fall in love. i really do.
Call me desperate or whatever, but i take this so seriously. still havent found yet. I do get jealous when all my friends have boyfriends and they talk about him, ahh, how i wish i could show off about mine. it really hurts seeing happy couples. i want tht too. i want to experience whats it like to have a guy fall in love with you. i really wish
I just wish i am strong like other people, when i am faced with this type of pain, i cant help myself from being down and just breakdown and cry every night. And thinking how unlucky i am. But Astaghfirullah, i know i cant be this way. Allah wouldn't want me to be this way. But to tell you the truth, i am very lonely. Seriously, my days were filled with smiles and rainbows when i had him (ehem). I was so happy, i never felt that way for a long time, and that was why i didnt take him for granted, i let him in, and it felt good to be comfortable around him and i felt like i could be myself. crazy freak and loving me. I really THOUGHT we were going into something serious, but when i say this, it just hurts me more thinking that it was all just a lie.
Face it, he's just not that into you.
nobody likes you.
haha bodoh, downkan diri sendiri :') lps tu nangis and rasa mcm useless betul. Bodohnya aku -_-
Im glad mak n ayah sent me to that Tahfiz, at least i have something to do. At first i hated that my parents sent me there, but after i went there, i felt so peaceful. Looking at these hafizah, they're all younger than me, and how great they are to hafal quran so easily. when i see their faces, they look like angels, there was something glowing from their faces....but i was just there to improve on my tajwid. But alhamdulillah, thank you Ustazah Izzati for asking me to hafal Yassin. The heart of AlQuran. Cant believe i can hafal Yasin...what an achievement
but then i go home, and become myself again, my introvert-ness. i lock myself up and watch Friends on my laptop, go online, and cry over things i saw on the internet (read:stalking)
thats my daily routine right now, im just praying that i get a job really2 soon, next week is already 2014. And all i do is thinking how broken my heart is.
Havent spent much time with my two best friends. Both have their own life. Sometimes i overthink that our friendship is distancing apart as we get older. One is occupied with taking care of her newborn niece and rarely reply my messages so i dont bother to contact her, and the other one is married and pregnant, so theres really nothing i can do there. We cant really go out like we used to, since theres a husband, so she must follow him. And it will be awkward if he joins us girl talks. I am happy for her, sometimes jealous of her life. How lucky having married early and have someone to share her life with.... But the cons would be when you marry, you'll lose your friends. Thats what i think. But i know my girls, theyll be there when i need them. Except for this situation, i didnt really told them what happened because i dont want to bother them with my problems thats just the same like before.
My other best friends, who i needed more than now. but all of them are far apart, my 1-G-3 girls. especially kakryn and intan, my counsellor..hehe... really need them right now.. i just wish we were still studying together. i really3 need them to be here with me. I just cant handle this myself. Thank you intan for your guidance... and im sorry guys, im such a mess.
i guess its just a small matter, but i havent realised it yet.
Ya Allah i hate this feeling. Take it away from me. I want to run away.
but i want to fall in love. i really do.
Call me desperate or whatever, but i take this so seriously. still havent found yet. I do get jealous when all my friends have boyfriends and they talk about him, ahh, how i wish i could show off about mine. it really hurts seeing happy couples. i want tht too. i want to experience whats it like to have a guy fall in love with you. i really wish
2013
Assalamualikum, it has been a while.
i guess i need therapy, i really need help. but im all on my own...like always
i am so stressed up and it just ruins my day, everyday. But i guess these pms really blends in well too -_-
Although i have known him for two months, i have really let myself fallen for him :') we met, and i thought we were going great even after that, he said things, did things that made me convinced that he...actually do loves me. But it turned out that it never was meant to be the way you plan out, or dream of. I can't change things, or make it happen. So i did the most hurtful thing to do, to let him go. I know you all may think i am crazy, but do you know how i felt? How much i really loved him? Even if its a crush, it is one hell of a crush. It crushed my heart. Of which i thought he could finally be the one im looking for. I thought he did. And then he started to ignore me, with the excuse of being BUSY. I fucking hate that word. Seriously. :')
Nak menangis.
I just keep wondering how can a person really change in a few days.. How? I guess the truth hurts, and i think my friend is right, he's got another girl
its the only reason
Sampainya hati. i actually believed you, and i put my trust in you, and i opened my heart to let you in. I started loving you. I really did.
its like happening all over again. Just one thing you have to know about me...If i tell myself that I am going to love you, then i probably will. I'll give my commitment, time, and unconditional love. What hurts the most is that, i gave it away to the ones who doesn't need them. I loved him, and then I have to let him go and out of my life. But the love stayed, and its hard to move or forget the next day. I can't. I can't pretend that i am okay. Im bursting into tears, im screaming inside, and my head is just a big migraine. And no one notice what im going through. The boring days goes by, i hate that i havent got a job for more than two mnths now and im struggling alone in keeping myself distracted and busy with things.
But it still haunts me. each day. every hour.
Despite all this pain, I find my remedy. Its the only way i did to keep myself alive until now. And strong enough to keep holding on in living for the next day.
Allah was always there, and all i did was pray. With all these emotions and painful heart, i always look forward to pray. I find peace there, every time. especially when im at my lowest point. where my head is on the floor and i just stayed in my sujud and just hving high hopes and praying. The best part would be after the solat, and sincerely praying to God, alone in that room, and just me and Him. I can't help from not crying. Seeking for help. Seeking for strength. Seeking for answers and decisions to be made.
Amin.
i guess i need therapy, i really need help. but im all on my own...like always
i am so stressed up and it just ruins my day, everyday. But i guess these pms really blends in well too -_-
Although i have known him for two months, i have really let myself fallen for him :') we met, and i thought we were going great even after that, he said things, did things that made me convinced that he...actually do loves me. But it turned out that it never was meant to be the way you plan out, or dream of. I can't change things, or make it happen. So i did the most hurtful thing to do, to let him go. I know you all may think i am crazy, but do you know how i felt? How much i really loved him? Even if its a crush, it is one hell of a crush. It crushed my heart. Of which i thought he could finally be the one im looking for. I thought he did. And then he started to ignore me, with the excuse of being BUSY. I fucking hate that word. Seriously. :')
Nak menangis.
I just keep wondering how can a person really change in a few days.. How? I guess the truth hurts, and i think my friend is right, he's got another girl
its the only reason
Sampainya hati. i actually believed you, and i put my trust in you, and i opened my heart to let you in. I started loving you. I really did.
its like happening all over again. Just one thing you have to know about me...If i tell myself that I am going to love you, then i probably will. I'll give my commitment, time, and unconditional love. What hurts the most is that, i gave it away to the ones who doesn't need them. I loved him, and then I have to let him go and out of my life. But the love stayed, and its hard to move or forget the next day. I can't. I can't pretend that i am okay. Im bursting into tears, im screaming inside, and my head is just a big migraine. And no one notice what im going through. The boring days goes by, i hate that i havent got a job for more than two mnths now and im struggling alone in keeping myself distracted and busy with things.
But it still haunts me. each day. every hour.
Despite all this pain, I find my remedy. Its the only way i did to keep myself alive until now. And strong enough to keep holding on in living for the next day.
Allah was always there, and all i did was pray. With all these emotions and painful heart, i always look forward to pray. I find peace there, every time. especially when im at my lowest point. where my head is on the floor and i just stayed in my sujud and just hving high hopes and praying. The best part would be after the solat, and sincerely praying to God, alone in that room, and just me and Him. I can't help from not crying. Seeking for help. Seeking for strength. Seeking for answers and decisions to be made.
Amin.
Tuesday, 20 August 2013
Salam...
how are you? i recently saw your pictures and you....seemed...happy :)
i was just wondering what you've been up to because we havent contacted for quite some time.. i really do want to know how you are doing?
I'm such a fool.
Crying after every prayers, in my doa...I asked Allah how you're doing...
I told Allah to take care of you, because its the only thing i can do.
Take care
how are you? i recently saw your pictures and you....seemed...happy :)
i was just wondering what you've been up to because we havent contacted for quite some time.. i really do want to know how you are doing?
I'm such a fool.
Crying after every prayers, in my doa...I asked Allah how you're doing...
I told Allah to take care of you, because its the only thing i can do.
Take care
Thursday, 13 June 2013
Different
I had gone through painful moments, nights, and days.
Now I'm back to study, I honestly think I haven't got that right feeling to 'study'...just yet. I feel lonely and scared, sometimes I'm quite annoyed with my friends, housemates, and this environment. maybe i was too comfortable having my parents around at home. I miss them. Just wish I could go back and hug them. And just cry. Cry all day, all night.
I was sitting in the bus and just looking outside, and feeling quite upset after my friend mentioned about someone whom i dont ever want to be reminded of...and a calm feeling from inside of me...Somehow feeling secure because Allah's there for me, taking care of me, every day..even in the bus! Almost cried that moment, how stupid selfish i am, how ungrateful i am for all this. For this life i have. This soul in me. This, ME.
Allah granted my prayers. What i want, need, and kept me away from what might harm me. He really did granted everything. Not just what i need, but what i wanted, just that i didnt realised it was in the form of something else. Forgive me for always getting carried away by this world, and sometimes accidentally putting hopes on people. I forgot. I put hopes on You. Only You.
At the same time, I don't intend to be selfish egoistic girl. Sometimes I push away things that I don't want or hate but i hurt others. I don't want that. I want to be more loving. This i should remind myself everyday, that to be loved, I must give Love. But to give, you have to HAVE it on you first. If its not enough, its probably theres not enough love in me at all. So now, im planting seeds of love, InsyaAllah.
"And I confess,
That in my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I want to try again with you
And I almost do.."
That in my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I want to try again with you
And I almost do.."
Saturday, 11 May 2013
I'm in PAINNNNN!
I suddenly have this aching sore throat a couple of days ago. And today just got worse! It really ruins my day, especially i dont have the mood to work at the montessori and face my scary-looking boss and hear her nagging every....day..
It hurts when i cough
It hurts when i swallow
It hurts when i eat
So now i cant enjoy my food, and im currently on my hungry-all-time mood. :(
I almost cried while trying (literally) to eat :(
But my Atuk just distracted me today from the pain, he's just so cute..
Because he's old and most elderly people are just so difficult. But not my Atuk. Hes 80+ years old okayy!
I love you Atuk! he he
It hurts when i cough
It hurts when i swallow
It hurts when i eat
So now i cant enjoy my food, and im currently on my hungry-all-time mood. :(
I almost cried while trying (literally) to eat :(
But my Atuk just distracted me today from the pain, he's just so cute..
Because he's old and most elderly people are just so difficult. But not my Atuk. Hes 80+ years old okayy!
I love you Atuk! he he
Friday, 10 May 2013
at three oclock in the morning
When I mention about you to Allah, I always start to cry. My heart is still sore...but im a bit better now. I wish i could go back, to when we knew each other.
I can't
I...prayed that Allah will take away these feelings further away from me....although how much I want it to stay
I can't
So...I only prayed that Allah will take care of you. That's enough. Much more important than loving you.
I can't
I...prayed that Allah will take away these feelings further away from me....although how much I want it to stay
I can't
So...I only prayed that Allah will take care of you. That's enough. Much more important than loving you.
Wednesday, 1 May 2013
Begin again
Assalamualaikum...
Here we go again, sometimes I realise it, sometimes I don't. This life. What a short life Im living in..
Everything is an illusion. Except for one, at that time where I cup both my hands up and pray. That humble feeling of self humility and full of sins. Only to You, Ya Allah. I only have You.
Here we go again, sometimes I realise it, sometimes I don't. This life. What a short life Im living in..
Everything is an illusion. Except for one, at that time where I cup both my hands up and pray. That humble feeling of self humility and full of sins. Only to You, Ya Allah. I only have You.
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